Is blood thicker than water?

enrich · Post by **enrich** » Sun Dec 31, 2017 9:25 am

I have two younger siblings. I have always considered them as my best friends. But with each growing year I see that the gap is widening among us. The major reason for the growing differences is due to the fact that all three of us are located in three different continents. I left my country about 15 years ago. But I still cherish the happy childhood days and try to connect with them during my visit. I bond with them just like friends reconnect after several years by sharing all the stories. However they do not connect the same way as I do and it hurts a lot. Every single visit leaves me with so much pain. One sibling calls me ONLY when there is financial need. I can?t bear the idea of breaking the relationship but Is it really worth to maintain such relationships?

VadheraHalli · Post by **VadheraHalli** » Tue Jan 02, 2018 2:23 am

I believe one way relationships are generally not worth pursuing.
Folks in India esp don't need the NRI (except for $ ofcourse) while the NRI needs India relations to feel connected or for help with properties. It's a bitter truth, I think it's best to cut loose and move on.

I have a needy 'friend' in India who hits me up for 'loans' that he never returns and after an intense refusal to fund him further said 'why do I need a friend like you then? you are so rich but won't help me in time of need. Even if I don't return your money it hardly matters ..' Indeed, something to think about. Siblings fought tooth and nail over trivial amounts and broke off..

Lesson learnt. Money destroys any relationship if not managed very very carefully.

techynt · Post by **techynt** » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:28 am

True that.

I always treat money transfers to relatives as charity donation. Anytime its treated as a loan its going to ruin relationships. I lost a very good friend for $1500 around 20 years back, because of confusion and unfortunate incident while transferring money between canada and usa.

VadheraHalli;667894I believe one way relationships are generally not worth pursuing.
Folks in India esp don't need the NRI (except for $ ofcourse) while the NRI needs India relations to feel connected or for help with properties. It's a bitter truth, I think it's best to cut loose and move on.

I have a needy 'friend' in India who hits me up for 'loans' that he never returns and after an intense refusal to fund him further said 'why do I need a friend like you then? you are so rich but won't help me in time of need. Even if I don't return your money it hardly matters ..' Indeed, something to think about. Siblings fought tooth and nail over trivial amounts and broke off..

Lesson learnt. Money destroys any relationship if not managed very very carefully.

KirKS · Post by **KirKS** » Tue Jan 02, 2018 5:38 pm

enrich;667833 However they do not connect the same way as I do and it hurts a lot. Every single visit leaves me with so much pain. One sibling calls me ONLY when there is financial need.

Yes it hurts when you expect a higher level of reciprocity, and you don't get it.
But now that you have already been hurt, try to analyze the situation.

1) You want a friendly relationship with your siblings.
2) They are in turn not showing so much interest. One even treats you more like an ATM based on what I grasp from your post.
3) You are at a stage where "breaking relationship" has occurred to you.

What can you do in 2018?

Just accept the reality that for whatever reason(s), they are not that affectionate to you anymore. Do not expect anything warm from them for one year. See if that helps you live your life without disappointment.

By doing this, you are sending a message that you are always open for relationships like how they were long ago (hopefully positive). But you don't mind keeping it to basic courtesy calls/messages going forward. Definitely it is not worth keeping a relationship by becoming an ATM (as with the case of one sibling). If you give a full year for this, hopefully you will either see them realize that they have hurt you, or you just learn to live without the good-old-days. Eitherway, your mental peace would go up.

znan · Post by **znan** » Tue Jan 02, 2018 8:59 pm

Money or no money, every relationship changes over a period of time. Things will be different with siblings especially after marriage and kids as (re)priortization happens at a much faster and deeper state. I always treat money secondary if the relationship is important. Not to suggest everyone else should do the same. I also have a friend who treats money matters very separate and very stringent. He is one of the happiest persons I have ever come across in my life. His philosophy is simple live in the moment and do what makes him, his wife and kids happy (in that order actually). People are not bad by intention the circumstances influence the relationships a lot. Learning to accept the change in the loved ones priorities is the most difficult thing to do especially when we are falling off in the prioritization list. Once accepted, you will quickly find the solution. I try to follow some basic stuff for relationships like being open and upfront, discussing matters that hurt before they start to hurt deeper, not keeping ill-feelings (sadness is also one such) for too long etc., Good luck and all the best.

Gator92 · Post by **Gator92** » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:47 am

Sometimes you feel family is over rated. I have seen families where if you are the youngest sibling you are taken for granted. I have also seen siblings torn apart especially when parents are no more and when property and money is involved. It really hurts your heart to see someone that you loved and cherished when you were young has drifted away, but that's the sad reality of life. One of the biggest regrets on the death bed is that things were patched up and relationships mended before it was too late.

wd40 · Post by **wd40** » Fri Jan 05, 2018 2:35 pm

enrich;667833I have two younger siblings. I have always considered them as my best friends. But with each growing year I see that the gap is widening among us. The major reason for the growing differences is due to the fact that all three of us are located in three different continents. I left my country about 15 years ago. But I still cherish the happy childhood days and try to connect with them during my visit. I bond with them just like friends reconnect after several years by sharing all the stories. However they do not connect the same way as I do and it hurts a lot. Every single visit leaves me with so much pain. One sibling calls me ONLY when there is financial need. I can?t bear the idea of breaking the relationship but Is it really worth to maintain such relationships?

You and your siblings are probably at different stages in the Maslow's hierarchy. Don't lose hope and never break the relationship from your side, if it is possible try to maintain it. You never know one day they might reach your stage and come looking for you.

I personally don't ever regret giving money to siblings. Basically, we were all part of the same family and we probably made better use to the opportunities than them, yet families are meant for sharing. Of course I don't suggest giving away more money than what is important to you. I have seen in families, usually money is not the big factor but can be made out to be if spouses get to know about it. So it is important to manage this aspect with the spouse.

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KirKS · Post by **KirKS** » Fri Jan 05, 2018 6:03 pm

Gator92;668118Sometimes you feel family is over rated. I have seen families where if you are the youngest sibling you are taken for granted. I have also seen siblings torn apart especially when parents are no more and when property and money is involved. It really hurts your heart to see someone that you loved and cherished when you were young has drifted away, but that's the sad reality of life. One of the biggest regrets on the death bed is that things were patched up and relationships mended before it was too late.

I have examples in my extended family of every type.
With parents, without parents...
With property, without property (or other credible wealth)..

What we miss is that everyone has a phase in life. We might be the best friends or best frenemies during teenage, but later life takes us through different paths. Even though we share similar genes, our conditioning and financial situation makes a lot of difference down the line.

After having seen at least 10 sibling rivalry or parent-children rivalry in our extended family, I came to the conclusion that we should take relationships in a give-and-take manner. Do not push too far.. do not distance too far.. Thus far and no further. And be very cautious with money related things. Money can never buy a relationship for long.

The golden gates of childhood are closed forever (Mill on the Floss book's powerful statement). Come to terms with it!
Adult relationships are very different than childhood relationships.

crazyforger · Post by **crazyforger** » Fri Jan 05, 2018 9:19 pm

Its not family, friend, money or something else. Its the person behind it.
See if he/she brings value/happiness to your journey through life.

If not, dump them mercilessly.

This would free up your mental energy to focus on positive things to further enrich yourself.

wd40 · Post by **wd40** » Sun Jan 07, 2018 4:51 pm

I make a clear differentiation between friend and siblings. So to me yes, blood is thicker than water. I would never lend money to friends, it is just that I am too paranoid with money, so unless it is a really small amount like few 10s of dollars, I won't lend money to friends. Luckily so far, haven't been in a situation where people have asked me any significant amount of money. However for siblings I try to go out of my way to help them, even though they don't ask. I do this without expecting any reciprocation.

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